Schuetz

Introduction

You might feel it when that hot stud across the room at the gym gives your lover the look-over. You might experience it if your ex-boyfriends ever cheated on you and then you project it onto your current man. Or you might experience it if you have an open relationship and you know your partner is out tricking. Whatever its form, jealousy can take on many different faces and it can kill your relationship if its not managed appropriately. If youre the one whos afflicted with jealousy, it can torment and consume you, zapping you of all security and contentment. If youre the partner of a jealous lover, your frustration at having to walk on eggshells and constantly reassure your guy of your commitment to him can be maddening.

Jealousy is not bad in and of itself. It is a feeling and all our feelings are ok; its what we do with them that can mean the difference between relationship calm and relationship storm. Jealousy can actually benefit your partnership in its mildest form. But if it is a recurrent, pervasive theme that seems to dominate the climate of your relationship, it can sabotage your future together and lead to a lot of hurt and grief. This article will address some of the dynamics involved in jealousy and offer some tips for you and your partner in overcoming and defeating it.

Jealousy & Its Causes

Jealousy can be defined as a feeling that arises from a perceived threat to your relationship. It almost always involves fearfear of loss of abandonment or losing your partner, fear of being replaced with someone else, fear of not being important enough anymore and being excluded, etc. This significantly impacts ones self-esteem and leads to insecurity and using self-defeating behaviors to ward off these painful feelings and gain a sense of control (although it never really accomplishes that and creates vicious cycles of the same dysfunctional behavior over and over again). Self-defeating behaviors might include spying on your partner, excessive clinginess toward him, constant questioning of his whereabouts and activities, among others.

What are the causes of jealousy? There are inner and outer causes. Inner causes might include low self-esteem and confidence (believing one is unattractive or unworthy of being in a healthy relationship), a past history of experiences that created distrust, and beliefs that one will be single forever if he loses his partner. External causes might include how ones partner acts (expressing interest or flirting with someone else) or the actual involvement of a third person in the relationship. Factors that seem to affect the susceptibility to jealousy include the length and stability of the relationship, maturity, dependence, and level of self-esteem of the individuals, their expectations for emotional gratification, and the perceived availability of alternatives to the primary relationship (Neidig & Friedman, 1984).

Low levels of jealousy can actually be positive for your relationship. It can be a signal that somethings off between the two of you. It can help partners feel cared for and be an indication to not take each other for granted. It can also increase communication, commitment, and sexual intensity. Jealousy becomes problematic when it is expressed indirectly, is experienced compulsively, becomes irrational, or leads to extreme levels of vigilance and control (Neidig & Friedman, 1984). The major consequence is that it also leads to a severe break-down in the level of trust and intimacy between the two men, core ingredients that are necessary for a healthy relationship to last. And the other paradoxical effect of jealousy is that it can create the very outcome that is feared and dreaded the most---the ending of the relationship.

Tips For Conquering the Jealousy Beast

If you are the one suffering from jealousy *Acknowledge your jealousy. Avoid minimizing or denying its existence. Recognize that you are not your jealousyit is a part of you, one aspect of you that you can learn to manage. Admitting its power over you is the first step to conquering it.

*Identify the cause of your jealousy. What feelings are underneath your jealousy? Work on developing more effective ways to cope with these specific emotions.

*Keep a journal and write about your experience of jealousy and what it means to you. Ask yourself such questions as:
Do I trust my partner and believe what he says?
Am I projecting my own issues and feelings onto him and blaming him? What is my jealousy really about?
What hurts? Whats missing in my life?
What are the consequences of my jealousy? What do I get out of it that may be perpetuating it?
Are my jealous feelings rational or irrational? Are they based more on real threats or insecurities?

*Identify your triggers to jealousy and either avoid them or find ways to confront them head-on in a healthy way.

*Live in the present. Your partner is not your ex-boyfriend. Learn how to control your anger and grieve past losses and hurts.

*Refrain from obsessing and compulsively questioning your partners behavior. Monitor your own thoughts and always check your motives and feelings against reality.

*Realize that you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You create your own interpretations and perceptions of events and situations. Learn to identify and challenge irrational thoughts and beliefs and develop affirmations or coaching, coping statements to write on index cards for reference to help you through difficult times.

*Practice relaxation techniques to help you cope with your anxiety.

*Make sure to have a life separate from your partner to reduce dependency and bring more fresh air into the relationship. Reach out to your friends, build your support system, and seek out social outlets that inspire a sense of fun and purpose.

*Build your self-esteem by taking safe risks that boost your confidence and allow you to see the strengths you possess.

If you are the partner of a jealous lover *Be patient and endure through this difficult period. Understand how painful and difficult it is for your partner and empathize and validate his feelings. Provide reassurances of your love, but dont enable his behavior.

*Take care of yourself. Practice good stress management for emotional wellness.

*Identify ways you might be able to support your partner and show how you value him. Explore your own behavior to determine if youre reinforcing your lovers jealousies in any way.

And finally, together as a couple *Identify if the jealousy has its roots in an underlying problem in your relationship. Whats missing? Are there any unmet needs that require your attention?

*Dont make assumptions! Avoid mind-reading and always check feelings or thoughts that you may have with each other.

*This is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication and see if any new boundaries or relationship rules need to be re-negotiated, created, or dropped.

*Make your relationship a #1 priority! Spend lots of quality time together and engage in activities that will re-vitalize your bond and restore some of that damaged trust and intimacy.

Conclusion
Jealousy doesnt have to rule your life. Make a commitment to aggressively minimize its influence so that there will be more energy available for your own self-care and for enriching your relationship. These are the things that really matter. So squash that bugger before it has the chance to contaminate what the two of you have worked so hard to build. Convert that jealousy into passion for yourself and for your partner and before long youll no longer heed Jealousys evil whispers. You can do it!

*Reference: Neidig, Peter H. & Friedman, Dale H. (1984). Spouse Abuse: A Treatment Program for Couples. Champaign, IL: Research Press Company.

2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right. To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples,as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs,and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach (http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com), in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, on developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the new self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion" published in May 2005.

When most people think of mountain biking, they think of climbing up to the top of a mountain and then riding down it again. However, there are plenty of opportunities for the fat-tire enthusiast, and the disciplines are growing every year as riders find new ways to challenge themselves.

Below is just a brief list of some of the biking disciplines associated with mountain biking. For each discipline, you'll be able to find bikes especially made for the different challenges they present, and the different skills needed.

1. BMX

BMX stands for bicycle motocross. The cycles used are specially designed to operate on a dirt track: a groomed racecourse made up of various jumps, banked and flat corners, and therefore have small wheel diameters - 20-inches, and fat tires. The sport began in California in the late 1960s, as young boys began emulating their motocross heroes, and is now popular around the world.

2. Cross country

Just as its name implies, fat-tire enthusiasts bike across country - specifically hilly country to test the rider's endurance.

3. Cyclo cross

A cyclo cross bike is a road bike with powerful brakes, extra mud clearance, and tires that aren't exactly fat but do have knobs on. These bikes are used for Cyclo cross racing, a sport which began in Europe, as off-season training for road racers. The courses are a mile long, and are partly paved and partly mud-soaked to give the rider all kinds of challenges. Also on the course are a certain number of barricades, forcing the rider to dismount and carry his bike over them. Everyone races flat out.

4. Dirt jumping

The idea with dirt jumping is not so much the jumping but what tricks the rider can do while he is air borne. The idea is not to get around the course as fast as possible but to have the most air time and do the most stunts in the air.

5. Downhill

As the name implies, downhill biking means getting down the hill as fast as possible, much like downhill skiing. It's a time trial event - bikers don't ride together but rather start down the course at intervals. This is because the way down is not smooth - there are plenty of obstacles to negotiate along the way.

6. Freeride

Freeriding is a sport that has just recently come into vogue. The courses feature man-made obstacles such as teeter totters and skinny bridges, and can take place in-doors as well as out on specially prepared mountain courses.

7. Single speed

Those who like the uncluttered life will use a bike with only one gear and fewer components. The idea is simplicity. The racers however still go all out - both up and down courses. This sport is popular around the world.

8. Urban

Most cities were not designed for the bicyclist - and people on two wheels are resented by those on four. And then there are the pedestrians... However, people who don't live near mountains or hills haven't let that stop t hem from creating challenging, man-made courses - with all the obstacles available in urban areas.

Alastair Hamilton contributes adding long articles on mountain biking for http://www.bikecyclingreviews.com . You can find more information and resources on mountain bike reviews at his website.

Justifying Outside Help at times we all need consultants. You are not alone in considering outside talent; 60% of all businesses use independent contractors, and according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, over 8 million such people are in the workforce.

But what on earth is killing your time and that of your employees and why isnt 40 hours a week or even 75 enough?

As an independent strategic marketing, business development and PR consultant, clients are often amazed, yet puzzled at my productiveness. How do I get a project done so efficiently? The answer is, I only do work I am not a part of your corporate world and thus I automatically eliminate anything that is not directly related to getting the job done. (It pleases the client, and frees me to take on another project.)

Whats stealing your time? A quick analysis of a workers weekday-into-week will reveal the answer. Here is a list of only 54 of the things that as an in-house employee, I was routinely required to do and if you are honest, youll recognize all of them on your to-do list too.

1.Preparing for staff meetings

2.Attending staff meetings

3.Following up on meeting items assigned to me or others in my supervision

4.Presenting to others at meetings

5.Attending corporate events

6.Attending industry events

7.Preparing for industry events shows, displays

8.Prepping others for meetings

9.Preparing materials for the press

10.Reviewing e-mails, messages and phone calls

11.Answering e-mails, messages and phone calls 12.Locating materials and sending responses - requests for information

13.Reviewing requests for meetings

14.Preparing for weekly/monthly/reviews (yours and your staff)

15.Preparing annual and other reports by week, month, by quarter, by year

16.Preparing time cards

17.Reviewing time cards of others

18.Reviewing the Work of others

19.Sick days

20.Sick time (less than full day)

21.Vacation days

22.Holidays

23.Personal time/personal leave

24.Socializing

25.Answering questions

26.Scouting for new hires

27.Reviewing new hires

28.Supervising others

29.Mentoring junior staff or interns

30.Reporting to top management on the actions/work of others

31.Team building team interaction

32.Preparing Budgets

33.Reviewing Budgets

34.Preparing Estimates for the projects of others

35.Preparing Estimates and budgets for own projects

36.Reviewing bids

37.Preparing bids

38.Client interaction

39.Evaluating vendors

40.Meeting with vendors

41.Ordering supplies and equipment

42.Approving supplies and equipment

43.Selecting gifts for corporate, staff and clients

44.Preparing seasonal events

45.Preparing and/or reviewing guest lists

46.Preparing or approving events non seasonal (openings, gatherings, meetings)

47.Attending staff lunches (run over time)

48.Scheduling your work, your team and that of others preparing reports

49.Anticipating/estimating sales revenue/profitability analysis

50.Commuting to and from work late time/non productive time

51.Contributing to content web or print

52.Reviewing content web or print

53.Preparing, reviewing marketing materials

54.Conducting marketing and PR for your own firm

Now, some of these are still on my to do list, but they are not on your time, they are done on mine. And, I realize that the things on this list are an important part of corporate life even essential interactions. But, if you have actual work to do in addition to the items on this list, youll understand the problem. If you spent even an hour per item (and you know it is more) youll have 54 hours per week of documented responsibilities in addition to your actual job.

When will you do that work? (You know, the work you were hired to do, and that you are held accountable for.) When will you design that building, prepare that client specification package, prepare that legal brief, supervise the installation of that new manufacturing plant, consult on that corporate tax situation?

Brought in at the right time, consultants can be a lifesaver. You can justify bringing in a consultant by getting that project completed or extending your staff without making a long term commitment and without spending the additional 33 1/3 % that a full time employee costs (over and above their salary).

You are not alone in considering outside talent; 60% of all businesses use independent contractors, and according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, over 8 million such people are in the workforce. Use that statistic the next time you need to justify hiring an outside consultant, and the next time you are caught wondering what is killing your time, and why a 40 or even a 75 hour work week isnt enough, youll know what to do.

Need an independent strategic consultant to free you for the work you need to do? Visit http://www.freewebs.com/mckernsdevelopment/ Packages available in strategic marketing, business development, press and PR, with flat rates and measurable results.

McKerns Development, PR, Marketing, Business Development, works with businesses and professional firms such developers, architects, designers, engineers, and physicians to increase visibility, promote their projects and services, reach the right customers and build business. For unique service packages, visit http://www.freewebs.com/mckernsdevelopment/

Leslie McKerns, BA, BS, AIA Allied, FL Licensed Designer, Professional Member Gold Coast Public Relations Council, Board Member of American Lung Association, is a publicist and business development specialist, a consistent contributor to major magazines and newspapers, and the Real Estate Editor of CitySmart magazine.

Chest fat or Gynecomastia is a condition many males suffer from. Whether skinny or fat this can be a very frustrating thing to deal with. The great news is there are options available to cure gynecomastia and chest fat.

1. Surgery. "Gyno" can be surgically removed, with varying results. It is usually an expensive procedure, but costs do vary. When choosing the surgical route, one wants an excellent surgeon who has performed the procedure cure for gynecomastia many times before, and is able to remove most if not all of it.

2. Another cure for gynecomastia, with varying results is a drug called Nolvadex. Usually this is prescription, and the route to get it through a doctor as a cure for gynecomastia can vary, as the medical establishment didn't popularize the effects of Nolvadex as a cure for gynecomastia, as much as the athletic community has. Many athletes who have dabbled in steroids have become victim to "gyno" as that is one of the side effects of steroids. To counter this side effect from happening, they realized taking Nolvadex works very well. Further investigation from athletes uncovered that even after gyno has occured they could still take Nolvadex and in some cases it would serve as a cure for gynecomastia eliminating it partially or whole.

3. The third cure for gynecomastia and the one that should be followed first before getting into the other two options as a cure for gynecomastia is specific gyno related exercises, routines, and techniques that have helped many individuals who would have ended up opting for surgery or taking drugs. Many gyno cases involve extra chest fat accumulation. A weight loss program can also be put into place, but the specific exercises that nail the gyno are mainly put into place, and hence a cure for gynecomastia is achieved. There are specific routines, techniques and online programs which have helped individuals discover an effective cure for gynecomastia.

For online exercises, techniques, and a real solution in dealing with chest fat and gynecomastia, see http://chest-fat.blogspot.com/ Here you can learn how to get results quickly and effectively. http://chest-fat.blogspot.com/