Schuetz

Robert Palmer sang a cover of an old calypso song about 30 years ago entitled, "Man Smart, Woman Smarter." It's hokey and fun, but there's a refrain in the song that stabs my heart like a knife:

Little boy sat down and cry

Old man passin' ask him why

He say, "I can't do wha' the big boys do."

Ole man sat down, he cry too.

Ten years later, Joan Armitrading, in the song, "Love and Affection" sang:

"I am not in love,

but I'm open to persuasion."

and in the same song,

"If I can feel the sun in my eyes and the rain on my face,

Why can't I feel love?"

I don't know about you, but ouch to all of these quotes. I pray for God's love; My wife's love; my kids love...but I'm so ripped. I'm so mad. I'm only 47 years old. I want to hit fly balls to my son, or teach him to break-off a curve ball.

I want my daughters to know that with dad, it's all okay. I respect their privacy and know that they are no different than I or their mother was. I hope I'll always respect my kid's choices; they're all now reaching the age of decisions. Lord God, please keep me on the path of not holding my kids to a standard I never met. Help me to always love them no matter what their life choices will be. And God, more than anything else, please give me the strength to fight had to be the husband my wife deserves.

Many kind women, starting with my wife, tell me over and over that physical love isn't the only expression of love. Ladies, thanks. But, you can't imagine the deep embarrassment and shame we guys, and I don't speak for all males, just me I guess, feel when we can't love in the perfect way that we were once able to do. Well, I just want things to be the way they were. That's it .

I hate to snivel. I hate to speak publicly about private stuff. I post because I know you understand that if I don't open my mouth, these thoughts will pitch a tent in my head, living rent free.

Please share what you will, if anything at all. I don't seek your private hopes, experiences or fears, though you can share whatever you want on this site. Please let me know if your comments are not for public disclosure. Also, I will respect everyone's anonymity unless told otherwise. I don't want to put something up on a comment board that doesn't belong there.

I know I'm not alone. Many, many people have written to me privately about sexuality and pain. Many say it's worth the pain. Straight, Gay, Unmarried, Married together or alone: it's all the same for many of us. It's the small steps that that you take that may help others the most.

Many other people object to this type of public comment. It's not my intent to shock or disturb anyone. But, I'll say it again, if you brave the pain of sitting to write something that's bothering you, I'll publish it. I will however quash the mean-spirited, nasty or vicious attack type note that is intended to "correct us all" or deliberately hurt someone.

Just knowing that someone else cares is probably the biggest help of all.

I became disabled at age 46 after 2 failed spinal surgeries. I married my college sweetheart. We have four kids. I'm rebuilding my life after having been diagnosed with Arachnoiditis, an incurable, progressive syndrome causing loss of many ordinary bodily functions and characterized by grinding, incessant nerve pain, like a toothache but a lot more severe. I walk with a cane and choke down a host of pills, many of them narcotic.

I built a web-site, Chronic Pain Lifestyle that I write with 3 people who suffer the same condition. Our page is not a forum, nor is it a source of medical information. Our page is about how we're rebuilding our lives. Sometimes we're funny, other times sad. We mix nostalgia and disappointment with hope, experiences and fellowship.