Schuetz

Im a lover, not a fighter. My campness is not a result of liberal idealism; Ive simply lost so many brawls that Ive had pacifism thrust upon me. Nowadays, the only way Id get involved in a ruck is if the wife was being mugged. If we stood together, I reckon we could take her.

Jose Mourinho and Roman Abramovich do not share my increasingly feminine outlook. War has broken out between manager and chairman, and Chelseas title ambitions are the first confirmed casualty. The beleaguered Blues are still firing on all cylinders in the cups though; Nottingham Forest will be cut down at a scything 1/7.

Petr Cech is so concerned about the ongoing hostilities, hes whipped out his helmet as a safeguard. With the inspirational keeper between the sticks and a revitalised Shevchenko leading the line, Im quietly confident that the Blues will either win 3-0 or 4-0, a scenario which pays out at a more socially acceptable 3/1.

The normally placid Frank Lampard has reacted angrily to criticism from Joey Barton this week. I cant help thinking that Frank should have just taken it on the chin; the second one. The Lamp is in fine fettle, he must be backed at a rotund 11/8 to find the net at any time.

If the fallout from the Big Brother house has taught us anything, its that we must unite as a people. Lets come together, right now, to back West Ham at 5/6 to see off Watford.

Wayne Rooney has admitted to knowing all the songs from Oliver! off by heart. Id have thought Grease would have been more up his alley. They say an army marches on their stomach; Rooney can lead his United troop to a victory over Portsmouth at 3/10.

Southampton look overpriced to cause a shock at Manchester City. The Saints are flying high in the Championship, Bradley Wright-Phillips is in goal scoring form and Pele is sure to make it hard for Psychos men. Man City are always the epitome of unpredictability, the Saints can march in at 4/1.

I dont believe in dj vu, although Ive got a niggling feeling that I may have mentioned that once before. Birmingham face Reading in the 4th Round for the second year running; the Blues came out on top last time, at odds of 6/4, a repeat is more than a possibility.

Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is, Whats the best way to ensure my dinners on the table on time. Reading coach Wally Downes actually laid hands on Neil Warnock last week, when push comes to shove, I suggest you back Birmingham to win 1-0 at 15/2.

Its been reported that Tottenham may be given a bye in the UEFA Cup; how can they be so sure that theyll meet Rangers? Im absolutely positive that Spurs will beat Southend at 1/4.

Is it wrong for me to continually speak of my admiration for Thierry Henry? Apparently, it is during lovemaking. Its hard for me to think of the Gunners without remembering my wedding day. It brings a tear to my eye to think of the wife being led down the aisle by her father, shortly after her brothers had led me down head first. Im welling up about the 8/15 for an Arsenal win over Bolton.

Mike Newells comments on female officials were nothing short of abhorrent in todays more enlightened society. There is a definite place for the fairer sex in the beautiful game; those pies dont heat themselves. Blackburn will see off Luton at a rather warm 5/6.

Stoke will be up for the fight at the Cottage, but like Big Brothers Jackiey, theyre poorly armed. Im going to go out on a limb and suggest that a Fulham win at 8/13 is a punt pulled directly out of the top drawer.

Many people admire Ghandi for his unswerving commitment to resolving conflict in a non-violent manner. Personally, I preferred it when Thumper tried to teach him how to ice skate. Middlesbrough are on fire, theyll turn over Bristol City at a red-hot 11/10.

Its not the size of the dog in the fight; if it was, the wife would be the undisputed world heavyweight champion. Birmingham, Middlesbrough, Fulham, West Ham and Arsenal form an 18/1 accer that is so dominant, any argument against it would be like foreplay; a complete waste of time and effort.

Gerry McDonnell is a professional odds compiler, journalist and rescuer of small orphans.